I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
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In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
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Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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