so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
