one two three fourrrrnication!
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
