Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
