tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I think a kid would responsible me up
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
