I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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