you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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