One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
