mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
He? As in you personified your dick?
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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