: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
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