while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
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