Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
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