Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
