My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
