I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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