My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Well I just put wine in my tea
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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