I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
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