You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
She told me I should be a condom model.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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