In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
