I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
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