I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
