I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
