I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
