Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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