you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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