I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
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