she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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