oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
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giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
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I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
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