In America we eat man semen.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
