That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.