I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
