just come out here and I will go home with you...
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
