I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
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Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
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At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
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