help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
