I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
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