she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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