I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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