you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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