Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I wish you could order shots online.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
