Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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