yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize