My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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