i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
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I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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