Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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