Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
