I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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