Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
