Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
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I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
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Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
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