I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
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Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
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He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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