apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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