Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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