I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
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Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
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i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
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