i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
false alarm, still single
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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