I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
