I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
