i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
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