just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
he told me I talked like a deaf person
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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